Yes, this ultimate existential question is looming on my mind this week: Am I a good person?
I want to be a good person. I want to live my life knowing that I have integrity in my actions and decisions. It's something I worry about a lot - but often feel I am failing at.
I'm not sure why it is that I'm so engrossed in the concept. It could be my very strict "Christian" upbringing (quotations added because modern "Christianity" has little or nothing to with the teaching of Jesus himself - based on my own research and feelings.) Maybe my conscience has been wired since infancy towards Christian values. But I don't think so - there are a LOT of things I do that are blatantly contrary to how I was raised (drinking, sex, language problems, disinterest in religious affiliation) for which I feel no guilt or conflict of conscience whatsoever.
But the littler, simpler things are what get me. I'm very selfish. And I'm judgmental. I'm actually pretty sure that I'm a medium-grade narcissist. I'm very hypocritical - gung-ho on some aspects of one issue and apathetic about others. I seriously lack discipline.
It is my opinion that overcoming these things, aka being a good person, is the key to happiness in life.
But, to be honest, I'm not sure if anyone in life is really happy, and if they are, I tend to question their intellectual complexity (ouch!). That, my friends, is called conceit ... an expression of my narcissism.
I have some friends that would tell me to "put down my beat-up stick and be nicer to myself!" Let me assure you, this self-assessment is a statement of facts, not exaggerated opinion, and I can provide the evidence of it. Others might say, "This life is an illusion anyway, nobody can be happy - you must learn the Zen art of neutrality." They are probably right.
Ultimately, I think I take everything in life too seriously, which A) stresses me out, B) makes me freeze-up from overwhelm, and C) feel disappointed that I haven't done anything but lay in bed and feel overwhelmed.
Those are just some thoughts on my mind. It's hard to make things fun right now, and maybe I'm just being melodramatic about it.
But in the end, I want to be generous, happy, friendly, dependable and integrous. I get my "causes" in life that are "noble" but then I lose all of these attributes that make life good because my "noble" causes stresse me out. Wasn't I a fun person at one point in time?
Yep. You were fun once. Quite frankly, I still think you are. Granted, I'm a self-diagnosed medium grade Narcissist as well, and tend to live as a moderate recluse, but my intellectual capacity is pretty big.
ReplyDeleteI also relate. The "Wasn't I was fun once" question is one I catch myself uttering more often than I like. Usually when I feel buried in seemingly endless, mundane tasks that "must" be done.
Remember our friend Saran? Besides his exceptionally fashionable turban and delightful accent, what I remember most about him is his definition of a "good person": Be good. Do good.
When my life spins into chaotic overwhelm (usually as a result of my special ability to "make a short story long" and to intricately complicate things in order to show how AMAZING I AM because I can delineate them), I step back and look at my heart and my intentions - am I being good, am I doing good? And I return my self judgment and inconsistent behaviors to a place where it IS that simple.
And then I go and squish a bug or kick a plant so I can feel powerful and superior.
......oh yeah...... And I go outside and do something physical. Hiking is really therapeutic and an effective "reset button" for me - a lonnnnng hike into the very heart of Mama Gaia, not merely some jaunt down by the river.
ReplyDeleteFerenczy says Rock On and to get over your intellectual self and laugh a little at the stupidness of it all.
Wow. Kicking plants?!?! You heathen.
ReplyDeleteSaran. Oh, sweet Saran. If only I'd been mature and confident enough to make a friend of him (like you did). Of course, saying this, I'm obliged to look at my current life and wonder who I'm missing out on by being overly-myopic. What's our code name for dad? I can remember. I like to call him the Renegade of Funk (RoF).
RoF is good at that. Seeing everyone for what they're really worth - insight, friendship, collaboration. He's the best.