I love talking about making the world a better place. I love reading books about it, and even writing blog posts about it. But what am I actually DOING to make the world a better place?
Making excuses. And that's about all I'm doing.
I live a totally unhealthy and unsustainable lifestyle. My biggest issue is with food. I have a shit diet, and I'm about 40 lbs overweight. Ick. I'm humiliated just to write it here. I'm humiliated by it in general - I'm beyond trying to cover up my weight issue and look nice *despite* the fatness. I'm to the point of just wanting to cover up myself physically on a whole.
What am I doing about it? Nothing. I've started diets and weight-loss regimens in the past 12 months over and over, and I don't stick with any of them. There are several reasons why, but probably the most powerful one is that I don't want to live my life as a healthnut. I see people so easily give their entire lives away to "health" and "fitness," to the point where if you aren't talking to them about how hard you worked out today, or you're ready to recommit to an ever-cleaner diet, there's nothing else to talk about. Boring. I have little interest in being friends with the crowd on a whole.
I also have major issues with "healthy foods." I love cheese, damnit. I love wine. I like bread and pasta. It seems like "eating healthy" means denying that I have preferences and pleasures in life. That's stupid to me.
And then there are the eating lifestyles of "eat only when you're hungry, stop the minute you are satiated." This is the whole "keep your blood sugar level all day and snack all day" plan, which I very much believe in. I also work about 70 hours a week, and I don't have a kitchen: i.e. it's really tricky for me to keep food on hand at all times that is healthy. Yes, I could just keep bags of granola and carrot sticks on hand, but when I eat I like a MEAL. I like to sit down, relax, and eat.
I already told you I'm full of excuses, right?
And those are just my excuses for not eating healthily, let alone eating with environmental consciousness. Oi. That requires a double-double effort, above and beyond not eating out for every meal. And what's worse: eating Del Taco or using a gallon of gas to get to the nearest whole food supermarket? I could always take the bus to go grocery shopping ... yeah right! When?
So I don't know. I'm at a total loss. I keep thinking that when I move to New York I'll start fresh. And maybe I will. But really, what's so hard about eating consciously? I tihnk it goes a lot deeper than all of these convenient excuses.
Two years ago I went 60 days eating only one meal a week. It was an awareness campaign for the starvation/drought in Africa. (More info: HERE.) I learned a lot by starving then. One of the things that struck me as particularly difficult was the social nature of eating in our culture. My friends all felt bad eating in front of me, so they stopped inviting me to eat out (even when I told them I didn't mind sitting and watching them - they felt too guilty eating in front of me). Then I stopped getting invited to anything involving food, which actually means, I stopped doing anything with friends. Think about it: friends go out and get coffee or get drinks; friends go out to dinner; friends go to a movie and get popcorn; friends grab lunch. What do you do with your friends, and does it almost always include food or drinks?
So maybe I'm a little scared of the social repercussions.
A few years ago I got super active athletically and dropped a ton of weight and got my weight/size down to where I was when I was 18 (a size 10 incidentally, but at 6" tall that ain't bad). I ran two marathons that year and participated in four triathlons. I was a nazi with my eating and exercise but really enjoyed it, it wasn't a problem. There were two social problems though: 1) I was a total bitch and completely judgmental and critical of anyone who wasn't a "health nut" like me. I never want to go back to that. 2) I instantly because a piece of meat in the eyes of men, and it was a horrible feeling. I was touched, groped, and kissed far more than I was comfortable with, and when I stated as much, I was essentially laughed-at and ignored. Apparently if you're hot, it doesn't matter what you feel - you're now the property of horny men. (I wrote a blog post about it back in 2008 in another blog. See here: MY PISSED OFF BLOG). So I think I'm a little emotionally scarred about being too healthy.
I don't know. Now I feel done writing on the topic so I won't wrap this up any better. Just wanted to acknowledge my hypocrisy, really. >sad<
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